A book on public speaking by Tom Antion

Humor Delivery Techniques

Why Use Humor?
Get Them In Fun
How to Make a Point with Humor
How to Deliver a Punch Line 
Humor Delivery Tips 
Humor Placement 
Finding Humor for Specific Industries
Old Humor is Good Humor
Odd Body Angles
One-Liners
Parody
Places
Proverbs & Fortune Cookies 
Quotations - Funny
Roast Humor and Insults
Self Effacing Humor
Signs
Simile
Toasts

Why Use Humor?
Some of you may be wondering why you should even bother using humor in your presentation. You might be thinking "Can't I just get up and deliver my information and then sit down"? Of course you can do it that way, and many presenters do exactly that. Yet most of those people are not effective public speakers.
They are "nighty nite", snooze inducing, say your prayers, hit the sack, unlicensed hypnotists. They are ZZZZZs presenters. They might be experts in their field and can recite hours and hours of related information, but how much of an impact will their information have if everyone is asleep.

Bob Orben, a Special Assistant to President Gerald Ford and Former Director of the White House speech writing department once said, "Business executives and political leaders alike have embraced using humor because humor works. Humorous material has gone from being a great and admirable part of a leader's character to a mandatory one." 

A survey of top executives who earned more than $250,000 per year was conducted by a large executive search firm. The results of the survey showed that these executives believed their communication skills were the number one factor that carried them to the top of their career. Mastering these skills from my book on public speaking, using humor and other high-explosion techniques puts a fine polish on your skills which can help shoot you to the top of the speaking profession or any other profession.

There are many kinds of benefits you can get by using humor. Keep in mind that these benefits only help you reach your ultimate purpose for making the presentation. They are not purposes themselves unless, of course, you are only interested in entertaining.

Using Humor is important because it:

• OVERCOMES OVERLY FLATTERING INTRODUCTIONS.

• SHOWS THAT YOU DON'T TAKE YOURSELF TOO SERIOUSLY.

• HELPS PAINT PICTURES IN THE AUDIENCE'S MIND.

• HELPS YOU TO BE ASKED BACK.

• YOUR SPEAKING WILL GET YOU HIGHER EVALUATIONS OR MORE SALES.

• MAKES INFORMATION MORE MEMORABLE.

• LIGHTENS UP HEAVY MATERIAL.

• HELPS YOU CONNECT WITH THE AUDIENCE.

• MAKES YOU MORE LIKEABLE.

• GETS YOUR POINT ACROSS WITHOUT CREATING HOSTILITY.

• HELPS RELATE FACTS AND FIGURES.

• MAKES A POSITIVE IMPRESSION.

• AROUSES INTEREST.

• KEEPS ATTENTION.

• HELPS EMPHASIZE POINTS AND IDEAS.

• DISARMS HOSTILITY.

• HELPS YOU  MAKE MORE MONEY.

• HELPS MAKE PEOPLE HAPPY.

Making people happy and changing lives is my favorite benefit. I get great satisfaction from knowing that I have brightened someone's day.  I had an executive come up to me after one of my humor presentations and say, "You opened up a whole new world for me." I almost cried right on the spot. I'll never forget it, I love to hear how my speaking effects my audience.

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Get Them "In Fun"
Sigmund Freud made an interesting discovery about how people act when having fun.

He wrote:
"The best condition for comic pleasure is a generally happy disposition in which a person is in the mood for laughter. In this happy state pf mind almost everything seems funny to us. People will laugh at the expectation of laughing, at the appearance of the person giving the comic material (sometimes even before they even begin), and finally, we laugh at the recollection of having laughed."

This concept has been termed '"In fun" by scientists that study humorous behavior in people. If you want your audience to laugh, they must be "in fun". You, as the speaker, must be "in fun". The emcee or program coordinator must also be "in fun". The entire presentation should be designed to get the audience "in fun".

Make sure you don't do anything to take your audience out of  being "in fun". Do not speak about any controversial subjects like religion and politics. Also don't make any unfriendly comments towards the audience members. If a problem occurs which must be dealt with, find an "in fun" way of doing so. Keeping in tune with your audience is a part what you will learn in your public speaking training.

Dr. Charles Jarvis is a member of the Retired National Speakers Association and is considered one of the greatest humorists of all time. He recalled a story about a friend of his who was an great public speaker, but turned off his audience when he made someone turn off a tape recorder. He was so mean about the way he treated the person that the "in fun" audience completely turned against him.

An "in fun" audience is more important for the presenter who is there only to entertain. But the concept of being "in fun" should be in the back of every speakers mind. Your material might be controversial by nature, but that doesn't mean that you should go out of your way to do or say things that will take the audience further out of "in fun".

Also, pay close attention to the entire program. One friend of mine had to present funny material just after a passionate plea went out to the audience to collect funds for starving babies. He came on stage just after the teary-eyed audience had seen slides of emaciated children. 

In this type of situation, DO NOT begin with any funny material. Instead, start out gently with a sincere reference to what the audience has just experienced. Skip most of your early speaking humor and get right to your subject to ease the audience's transition to your more lighthearted topic.

So how can you get the audience "in fun"? One time I had a ventriloquist introduce me at a morning meeting to wake up everyone and get them "in fun". You could pass out fun snacks to the audience or put balloons on their chairs. Public announcements and agendas can be decorated with cartoon characters.  In this book on public speaking you will learn how to involve the audience and get them "in fun" by using funny props. Do anything you can to be sure your audience knows that it's OK to laugh.

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How to Make a Point with Humor
I once heard an old public speaker say that you should 'Tell em what you're gonna tell 'em. Tell 'em. Then tell 'em what you told 'em.' You can use this concept during your presentation when you want to make an important point. You tell 'em the point, illustrate the point, then tell 'em the point again. Let me just warn you though that giving your information this way can oftentimes be boring and redundant if you don't spice it up a little. One way to do that is to add humor to what you are saying.
Here's what I teach in my book on public speaking.

1. Make your point.

2. Illustrate your point (in our example below we're using a funny
   two-liner, but you could use visuals, poetry, funny props, funny stories,
   serious stories, case studies,  etc.)

3. Restate your point.

For example, here is the point being made:  'The Importance of Communication.'

1. First make your point. 
   You could say,  "Accuracy and clear communication is
   an important aspect of our everyday lives."

2. Then illustrate this point. 
   You could then say,
   "It's like the student pilot who was asked over the radio to state his
   altitude and location. He said, 'I'm five feet nine and I'm in the left
   seat.'"

3. Then restate your point.
   Say in a slightly different manner, "You can see how what we would consider clear communication could actually be interpreted the wrong way, especially when people are under pressure."

When you use humor in a professional public setting . . . especially when you are speaking to a business audience, or any audience who is not specifically there for humor, make the humor reinforce your point and you will get a much better response. Knowing what to say and when to say it is a crucial tool when learning the skills from my book on public speaking.

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How to Deliver a Punch Line
In my book on public speaking, I will show you how to emphasize, use good timing, and know when to pause when delivering a punch line. Delivering a good punch line is a crucial skill taught in my book on public speaking. The term punch line was derived because, you must punch the line out a little harder and with a slightly different tone than the rest of the joke. Try leaning into the microphone to say the punch line a little louder and clearer so the audience can understand you.  If the people in the audience do not hear your punch line, they aren't going to laugh. Right before you deliver the punch line you should pause slightly to draw special attention to what you are about to say.

After you deliver the punch line, resist the urge to continue talking in order to give the audience a chance to laugh at what you said. Words or phrases added after the climax of the punch line tend to delay or impede the laughter altogether. Until you get some experience, it is really tough to wait. Beginner speakers tend to be afraid that no laughter will come, so they keep on talking. If you keep speaking during this period, you will easily squelch the laughter. As your confidence builds, pausing will become easier. Sometimes waiting the audience out will actually give them a cue to laugh even if the joke wasn't that great.

Deliver the line to one person.

A good tip from my book on public speaking is to look at only one person in the audience when you deliver your punch line. It doesn't matter how big the audience is, you can still look one person right in the eye and deliver your line.

As you master the skills from my book on public speaking, you learn the audience member is  not randomly chosen. I deliver punch lines to a person I know is going to laugh. How do I know they are going to laugh? I pay attention. It all starts with my pre-program research. If I have spoken to any of the audience members and they were laughing with me on the phone, I'll seek them out before the program so I know where they are sitting. That way I can look directly at them during the program. Before the program starts, I mingle with the participants, not only to meet them, but to see who is and who is not "in fun" (mingling with them helps to put them in fun.)

You can watch the audience members while the emcee or program coordinator is talking and take a mental note of  who is having fun and also paying attention to what is being said.
 

Watch out for alcohol

Look out for an audience that appears to be having a ton of fun. It might have been induced by alcohol instead of your witty program. They may be oblivious to what's actually happening on-stage.

Head nods

After you have started your presentation pay attention to the audience members who are really in tune with what you are saying, because they will nod their head gently in approval. You should have great success delivering to these people. Your skills from this book on public speaking should include seeing who is most receptive to your message, to help you lead the others in the audience.

Why deliver to the laughers?

There are two main reasons for saying your punch line to someone you know will laugh.  The first and most important reason is because you want that person to be a good example for the everyone else. If you direct a punch line or comment to a person in the audience, the other members of the audience will naturally look in that direction. If they see someone laughing, there is a high probability they will laugh too. If you deliver your line to someone who hasn't laughed for 20 years, the rest of the audience will see an example of someone NOT laughing and they will be influenced in a bad way.

A 1976 study by Antony Chapman and D. S. Wright supports the notion that the lack of laughter or inappropriate laughter (the kind of laughter you would get if you pick on someone or some group inappropriately and they laugh to save face) will inhibit the laughter of others. You will learn about this study and more in my book on public speaking.

The second reason is because there is little chance that you will get old sourpuss to laugh no matter what you do. If you kill yourself trying and fail, as you probably will, it will knock your confidence level and affect the rest of your performance. Combine this with the fact that you will be ignoring the rest of the audience, who will be watching this person not laugh, and probably squelch their laughter.

Deliver to the ones that appreciate you!

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Humor Delivery Tips
(if you don't use these tips from my book on public speaking, just pass out the pillows and blankets at the start of your presentation, because your audience is gonna need them!)

• Do not EVER repeat a punch line! Once the punch line is revealed, the joke is done. I must repeat this important point. Don't EVER repeat a punch line. 

• OK, with that said, here's an exception to this rule. If you had a joke or punch line that died a horrible death, you can call it back at a later time to make fun of yourself.

• Try not to signal your upcoming punch line. If the humor in your punch line depends upon the words "running chicken", don't say the following: "Did you hear the one about the running chicken? "

• It is absolutely crucial that you memorize your punch line flawlessly. You should be able to awaken out of a deep sleep in the middle of a hurricane and without hesitation, deliver your punch line accurately. Make sure to give all the facts necessary for the joke to make sense. The humor is lost if you leave out the necessary details. Knowing how to properly tell a joke is another skill from my book on public speaking.

• Use the fewest words possible to get to your punch line. Brevity is truly the soul of wit (never use a worn out cliché either). The longer the joke, the funnier it needs to be.

• NEVER, EVER explain your joke. If the audience doesn't understand, it's your fault for not telling the joke right or telling it to the wrong audience. 

• Don't walk around too much when telling a joke or story. I walk, but I stop when important points are being made and when I'm delivering a punch line to add extra emphasis.

• If you are using notes, highlight or mark upcoming jokes or stories so they don't sneak up on you. They will need special emphasis.

• Practice! Practice! Practice! I tell a joke or story 30 to 50 times in practice before I use it in a presentation. Being prepared involves hours and hours of practice before you "Go Live" in front of an audience, always be prepared to give your best.

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Humor Placement
You are probably wondering where to put all the funny material you have gathered into your presentation. 

Most people in the audience will expect you to start off your presentation with a story or joke. Because of this, you might want to postpone your story until the audience has resigned itself to being put to sleep and then you can surprise them your witty humor. A good rule from my book on public speaking is "Don't be afraid to do the unexpected." Humor is one of the best attention getting devices that can take your audience to the peaks of intensity.

In order to start figuring out where to place your funny material, you first need to find out how long your presentation time slot will be. Once you have this information, divide that time into equal segments. If the percentage of funny material is going to be low, you might make a funny comment every six to eight minutes. If the percentage of humor is very high, you might be making a funny comment every minute. Going through this process tells you roughly how much humor or other attention gaining devices you will need. Planning ahead and doing extensive research for each presentation is taught in my public speaking training.

I'm assuming by now that all the humorous material you have selected is totally relevant to your audience and the topic your speaking on. If it is not, throw it out now and start searching for something to replace it with that is relevant to your program. You must have fresh humor for every audience, not canned humor, or canned speeches.

Next, you should be ready to place the humor in your program. Don't make the mistake of forcing humor and other material to fit into a presentation, always choose relevant humor. It makes no difference if one segment goes several minutes longer than another or if you don't hit the funny bone exactly every six to eight minutes. Just use that time length as a guideline. All you have to do now is decide if you want humor in your opening and/or closing.

Finally, you will need to learn that the aspect of timing has to do with 'planned spontaneity.' When it comes to professional speeches, preparation will be a big factor in how you will succeed. Prepared remarks that appear spontaneous to the audience deserve a mention when talking about timing. During the course of a presentation, windows of opportunity for witty remarks open and close. They are usually related to 'expected/unexpected' happenings during the presentation, or questions from the audience. Let's say you are writing on the flipchart and your marker runs out of ink. Your window of opportunity is now open. You might jump through the window and say, 'I guess I've come to the dry part of my presentation' Window closes. Everything is fine. You look like a quick wit and a pretty good NO ZZZZZs presenter, all of this is part of what you will learn in my public speaking training.

What if you waited until you searched out a new marker to say the same line? The opportunity is already lost, the spontaneity is gone and so is the impact. 

Most situations that could happen during a presentation can be anticipated. If you are using a slide projector, the bulb might blow. You may be interrupted by a loud noise. Your microphone might squeal, etc. You can prepare comments in advance so you can recall them immediately when needed. If you let too much time pass between the incident and your comment, you're better off foregoing the comment. It's too late to make it funny now, so just move on in your program.

Questions from the audience can be treated the same way. Dealing with awkward questions with humor should be practiced beforehand. If you've been presenting your material long enough, you can probably anticipate most of the questions that will be asked. Prepare a witty answer to each question and use it when the question arises.
Then go on and give your serious answer. Remember to be careful when using this technique so your witty answer doesn't make the person asking the question feel stupid.

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Finding Humor for Specific Industries
A great lesson from this book on public speaking is how to find relevant humor. When you need to find humor for a specific industry that isn't very common, sometimes you need to dig a little deeper to find stories or jokes that will fit your particular audience.
Some professions like police, law, and medicine have many joke books, newsletters, and articles written about them. But what if you are a plumbing executive, or are speaking to the plumbing industry? I'm pretty sure that you could not go down to your local library or bookstore and find a plumbing joke book on the shelf. 

You should start a funny material file as soon as possible,  and fill it with any funny industry-specific information you find. Then classify the material according to industry, so you can easily sort through it to find what you need. You can start looking for good material to use is in a  trade journal for that specific industry. Almost every industry out there has one or more associated trade journals. You should sort through some back issues and try to find some humor you can use now. Virtually no one remembers the details of cartoons and jokes more than a month or so. Watch for industry newsletters so you can use some of their material. Check company bulletin boards regularly for funny signs and interesting postings. Using the skills from my book on public speaking involves knowing your audience and finding humor that relates to their specific industry.

The true devoted public speaker will go even further. Get on your phone and try calling others in the industry and ask for any funny stories or mishaps that would be of interest to your audience (remember to credit the provider). Collect all the material you can that is interesting and industry specific and soon you will have the best collection around.

Another place to look for funny material to search the Internet. Anytime I need something funny that is really specific, I just type the keywords (ex. plumbing humor, or water humor) into one or more major search engines. Pretty much every time something relevant will pop up. Though the internet can be a good source for some usable findings, you must be ready to sort through all the useless material before you will find something you can actually use. 
Here are some lines I found for the plumbing engineer group I did a presentation for. 

Getting married is a lot like getting into a tub of hot water.
After you get used to it, it ain't so hot. -- Minnie Pearl

My wife's an earth sign. I'm a water sign. Together we make mud. - -
Rodney Dangerfield

The shower is the greatest invention. I don't like taking a
bath. I don't like to wash my face in the water I've been sitting in.--
Lewis Grizzard

How come when you mix water and flour together you get glue ...
and then you add eggs and sugar and you get cake? Where does the
glue go?-- Rita Rudner

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Old Humor is Good Humor
Skills from my public speaking training include using old funny material to merge entertainment and emphasis of a key point.

Humor is only old if your audience has heard it before and if they remember all the details of it. People usually don't remember the exact details of jokes, one-liners, and stories even if they have heard them before on a different occasion. Or if some of your audience members recognize the joke, they probably don't remember the punch line. With that said, people that do remember the punch line usually still won't mind hearing it again you tell it well.

A reason that most people don't remember jokes and other pieces of humor is that the humor is usually heard out of context. The humor was not used while making a point, which is the way you should use it for your presentation. The joke or funny material was used strictly for entertainment purpose only and was enjoyed and quickly forgotten.

The way to tell a very old joke or story is to let the audience know it is old. This is the one time when you might want to tell the audience you have a joke or story coming. If you don't tell them that you know it is old, they will likely think you are out of touch with the modern world. If you tell them you are going to tell an old story or joke, you are telling them you know it's old, but it makes the point so well that you think it is worth telling again.

You might also come across jokes and stories that can update to fit your presentation. Some can be updated as easily as adding a current name. 

For example, here is an old politician joke:
Joe the politician said he was so surprised about his nomination that his acceptance speech fell out of his pocket.

All you have to do to update this one is to change the name from Joe to the current politician or association member you want to tease. You could also make this a joke on yourself if you know you are going to be nominated for something.

Here is another one that can be used for presidents, or to tease any business boss:
"A man was alone in a rowboat on the Potomac shouting No! No! No! Someone on the riverbank said, 'Is that guy crazy or what?' Another man fishing said, 'No. That's just one of President Clinton's Yes Men on vacation."

All you have to do on this one is to change the name of the river and substitute your BIG TARGET (i.e. boss or C.E.O) where you see the name President Clinton.

A little old humor used properly never hurts.

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Odd Body Angles
Another idea from my book on public speaking is to try presenting in odd body angles. Charlie Chaplain used the duck footed stance with his arms at his sides, but hands turned up while he waddled along. Remember when the comedian/actor Steve Martin did  his Walk like an Egyptian routine?

Part of the reason it was so funny was because of the weird body angles he used when doing it. These moves were meant to be done by Egyptian dancers, and looked absolutely ridiculous when Steve Martin did them.  I have a part in my presentation where I do some pathetic looking Tai Chi moves. The audience can't help but laugh at how ridiculous I look.

Although, I am not an advocate of using a mirror in training, this is one time you can experiment in creating funny looking poses by thinking odd body angles. You'll guarantee more laughs when using this technique in your presentation.

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One-Liners
Using a one-liner during your presentation means using a very short piece of humor. One-liners are great and can be the best and quickest way to add humor as well as being easy to deliver. If you are not sure about adding a lot of funny material to your presentation, try practicing the use of one-liners when taking your public speaking training.
Audiences like when you use one-liners so they can get a quick mental break from the informative material. Keeping the audience alert is an important aspect to what you will learn about in this book on public speaking. Also, if the audience is there to get high levels of content, they don't feel you wasted their time with long stories and jokes.

A good source for one-liners is a small and inexpensive paperback called 'Today's Chuckle: 2500 Great One-Liners for Every Occasion' by Paul Harlan Collins. There are 25 categories in all and I can't imagine a talk that wouldn't benefit from one of these selections.

This book has categories such as "Affairs of State and Other Political Indiscretions" where you might find the one-liner:
"Politicians are like polkas. They have different names, but they all sound alike."
or the category 'Money and the Meaning of Life' where you would see truisms like:
"Prosperity is that period between the last installment and the next purchase.'

You'll run across one-liners everywhere once you start looking for them, and then you can add them to your growing list. You can also use two-liners. Another great place to find funny one-liners is to search the internet. You will find a lot of websites that cater to just placing jokes and one liners for your use.

Here are some of my favorites, just for fun:

Take my advice: I don't use it anyway.

He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

Thanks to automatic teller machines you are always conveniently close to being broke.

Behind every successful person stands a bunch of amazed co-workers.

Computers can do complicated mathematical calculations in 1/100,000 second, but the invoices still go out 10 days late.

My accountant is shy and retiring. He's $250,000 shy. That's why he's retiring.

How are you supposed to teach a kid what clockwise means when he's wearing a digital GI Joe watch?

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Parody
The definition of a parody is a funny imitation of a person, event, song or serious piece of writing. The proper use of parodies are taught in my book on public speaking. I have a lot of fun doing parodies in my presentations and getting the audience to participate too.

I fun parody I like to do is to take a recognizable song and change the words to make it funny. I get the audience members to sing along with me by putting the words in their handouts or giving out a song sheet. (The song sheet method is great to because it keeps the whole segment hidden so I can surprise them.) I get the words to customize the song from my pre-program research and assemble them in a funny way.

You can take a common song everyone knows, like 'You are My Sunshine', change the words, and then sing it either by yourself or get the audience to sing along with you. Getting the audience singing along is a great way to interact and get them involved.

Parody is usually protected from copyright infringement, but get competent legal advice before using this technique.

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Places
You will find that the names of places can be funny sounding and easily incorporated into your presentation.  Saskatoon, Saskatchewan, sounds funny. Cleveland sounds funny. In your public speaking training you will learn that you can find humor in every aspect of life even names of  places. I  used to live off of Goodluck Road. That's a pretty funny name. My computer consultant used to live on Easy Street in Temple Hills, Maryland. That's definitely funny. In fact people were constantly stealing the sign, so it was hard to find him.

If you pick up any map that has city or street names on it, within a few seconds, you will probably find a funny sounding name. If you look at it for a few minutes, you'll probably find a lot more. 

I picked up my road atlas and opened it to the USA and Canada maps in the front. Saskatoon, Saskatchewan,  jumped right off the page. Tuscaloosa, Alabama, wasn't far behind along with Schenectady, New York, Kalamazoo, Michigan; Toledo, Ohio; and one of my favorites, Albuquerque, New Mexico. Keep a growing list of these funny sounding names in a file on your computer, that way you can look them up in the future to add them to your presentation. You could also look up nearby cities and town names of the place you will speak at and incorporate them into your speech.

Lanham, Maryland is where I told you I lived off Goodluck Road. A couple of blocks away from my old house was Elvis Lane in Presley Manor. About a mile away from that is Lois Lane (I guess Superman visits there regularly) and I recently did some work in Boniwood. That isn't funny to you, but it was hilarious around our office because my assistant's name is Bonnie. Humor is literally waiting for you right around the corner and as close as your road map.

Now I live in the Little Neck area, not far from Great Neck, Little Creek, Back Bay, and even Witchduck. 

What you learn from my book on public speaking can open a doorway to an unlimited number of funny names related to restaurants, hotels and stores like Piggly Wiggly, Kangaroo Katies, Motel 6, The Colonel's Kentucky Fried Chicken, and K Mart.

Open your eyes to the humor all around you.

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Proverbs & Fortune Cookies
Before you add this type of humor make sure it is politically correct for your audience. Here is a good article from my book on public speaking. As a fun public speaker you can try adding some humor by attributing a saying to an ancient Chinese philosopher. Since these sayings are not attributed to anyone in particular, feel free to change or update them to fit your situation and make them more funny.

A good place to find these funny philosophies is by searching the internet. Here are some ones that I like and an example of how to change them.

Original: He who walk on eggs should tread lightly.
Update: He who walk on eggs should find out the price per dozen.

Original: You cannot prevent the birds of sadness from flying over your head, but you can prevent them from nesting in your hair.
Update: You cannot prevent the birds of sadness from flying over your head, but you can prevent them from pooping on your Gucci blazer.

Original: People who live in glass houses should not throw stones.
Update: People who live in glass houses should pull down the blinds.

The contrast of the update to the original provides the humor which is taught in my book on public speaking.

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Quotations - Funny
In my book on public speaking, you will see how to use quotations during your presentation.  Quotations can be a great way to get your audience's attention, and if the saying bombs completely, don't worry because you didn't write it and you can still use it to make your point.

You can also use the power of the person's name who gave the quote. If the quotation is funny, people will be more likely to laugh or at least chuckle if a well known person said it. These are some of the benefits that you will learn from reading my book on public speaking.

If you are not sure who stated a particular quotation, you can still use it in your presentation. Unless I am absolutely certain who said something, I always give myself an out. I will say 'I BELIEVE' it was ____________ who said this. This keeps me out of trouble for attributing the quotation to the wrong person. If you have no idea who said it then you could say something like, 'My great, great grandpappy used to say . . .;, or 'My old aunt Jude used to say . . . ;. However, if you know for sure who said something and their name carries significant weight, use it for the name gives power to the point you are trying to make. When you are trying to be funny, don't feel bad about twisting the quotations to meet your situation. Mark Twain will never say a word about it. Neither will anyone else if you introduce your quotation by saying, 'Someone once said,' or 'My great, great, grandpappy used to say.' Then change the quotation around any way that suits you.

There are literally thousands of different quotations that you can find and use. Any bookstore will have quotation books or you can look on the internet for quotation web sites. Here are some of my favorite quotations:

"It takes less time to do a thing right than to explain why you did it wrong." -- Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
"When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on." -- Franklin Delano Roosevelt
"Get your facts first and then you can distort them as much as you please." -- Mark Twain
"Many of us spend half our time wishing for things we could have if we didn't spend half our time wishing." -- Alexander Woollcott
"In the first place God made idiots; this was for practice. Then he made school boards." -- Mark Twain
(Take out school boards and substitute anything that fits your purpose).
"Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened." -- Winston Churchill
"I am a friend of the workingman, and I would rather be his friend than be one." -- Clarence Darrow
"I never made a mistake in my life; at least, never one that I couldn't explain away afterward." -- Rudyard Kipling
"He is more apt to contribute heat than light to a discussion." -- Woodrow Wilson
"Everything comes to him who hustles while he waits." -- Thomas Edison
"When you have got an elephant by the hind legs and he is trying to run away, it's best to let him run." -- Abe Lincoln

Roast Humor and Insults
In my book on public speaking, I talk about the proper way to roast an individual. Roasting a person or persons has become much more common today.  A person that is being roasted is actually being given an honor, even though they are the brunt of the jokes. Make sure you stay respectful to the person who is being roasted, while saying your jokes. You can make fun about things that are true or about things that are obviously untrue and then exaggerate them to make them more funny.

When choosing the butt of a roast joke or story, make sure to pick big targets. Don't ever make fun of a small target (janitor, secretary, etc.). Always make fun of the big boss. They will still be the boss after all the teasing is over with and look like a great sport.

Always clear your comments IN ADVANCE! Preparing the way is an important lesson from my book on public speaking. Unless you are participating in a full-blown roast program, always poke some fun of yourself first. The audience will be more receptive if you make fun of yourself before you make fun of them. Keep remarks focused on unimportant things that can't be damaging. Insult about areas of recognized strength and superiority.

If you widely spread an insult or collection of insults to a particular group they can all laugh together. No one person  is individually set apart or embarrassed. The same remarks or insults aimed at just one person from a group could cause them to be offended or hurt. Remembering this key point can make all the difference in how the audience will perceive you.

Here are some roast examples:

To an telephone company executive:
If an alien called John's office to contact earth, he'd try to sell them on the benefits of our new 800 service plan.

"Joe's (neighbors/business associates/preacher, etc.,) all say what a wonderful couple he and his wife make . . . if it wasn't for Joe."

"He is a man of rare gifts . . . he hasn't given any in years."

"Everybody, we are here tonight to Roast John. I'm particularly happy to be here because I can now say in public all the things I've been saying behind his back. He is a man of the world . . . and you know what terrible shape the world is in."

About the emcee:
"The emcee's job is not to be wise or witty. In fact, it is his job to appear boring so that the speakers on the program will shine in comparison. Tonight it looks like I'm going to have to rise to new heights of boredom."

"I'm glad to be here tonight to look into your faces. . . . And God knows there are some faces here that need looking into."

"And Doctor Lookgood, your friendly plastic surgeon will be in the back of the room at the end of this program. And Doc, see me afterwards to pay your bill for this makeover of your image, and no I do not take Medicare payments."

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Self Effacing Humor
Self-effacing humor is a big term that simply means to make fun of yourself. This type of humor is great in your presentation because it shows the audience that you don't think your superior to them. In my book on public speaking you will learn how to use self-effacing humor the right way. If used properly it can be a very powerful form of humor.  Public speakers who have the ability to laugh at themselves during a presentation are looked upon as if they are secure, confident, strong, and likeable. 

The reason self-effacing humor seems to work so well is that weak people feel the need to inflate themselves and powerful people don't. If you have the confidence to tease yourself, you are sending the message to your audience that you are secure and powerful, which is what you learn in your public speaking training.  Most audiences can see right through speakers who are trying to puff themselves up. It will turn the audience off real quick. 

One tip though when using self-effacing humor, is that a little can go a long way. If you overdo it with this humor during your presentation, you won't look confident, you'll just look like you have low self esteem. That is not the impression you want your audience to have of you. If you can't bring yourself to use any self-effacing humor, you should learn to. I must be honest with you, most people hate to deal with a stuffed shirt, which is how you will be perceived if you can't poke a little fun at yourself.

A speaker who is not afraid to make fun of themselves is the one who makes the greatest connection with the audience. Everyone in the audience has embarrassed themselves or failed sometime in the past.

Taking steps beyond the norm is part of what you will learn in my book on public speaking. Katharine Rolfe, President of The Lighten Up Club, takes self-effacing humor one step further saying, 'I call it self-appreciating humor because it conveys a positive appreciation of ourselves as humans who are simply out there doing our best and bumbling along as we go.' Katharine's organization believes the key to a happy life is the ability to laugh at yourself, for then you are never without a source of amusement, when you need a laugh to lighten up your life, you always have yourself.

Your audience would rather hear about the time you fell on your face, rather than the time you won the race. Don't ever set yourself up as superior to the audience either socially, financially, or intellectually. You want the audience to accept you as one of them. Let them feel superior to you in some way.  The audience likes the fact that you openly admit any weaknesses you have. They laugh with you, but they still respect you because you are confident and secure enough to joke about yourself.

You can make fun of yourself in many ways including your physical appearance if you are especially tall, short, fat or bald. Just make sure that the physical appearance is obvious to the audience. If you are disorganized, you could tease yourself about that. If you can't parallel park, you could tease yourself about that. Just about anything will work as long as you are the target. This skill is all about being "on target" and connecting with your audience.

You don't necessarily have to joke about yourself, you could make fun of your family background, your profession, or anything else that directly relates to your life. I sometimes tell a story about the time my mom came to visit me in Washington, D.C. from her small hometown. The audience hears about how small Claysville is and that my mom's house is way out in the middle of nowhere. We didn't have city water, city sewage, or cable TV. I then go on to tell how we took a trip on the Spirit of Washington for a dinner cruise and went sightseeing all over the capital. Here's how the end of the story goes:

"When we got home that evening I was totally exhausted, so I told mom I was going to bed and that I would see her in the morning. She said, "OK. I'm just going to watch the news and then I'll go to bed." I got up at about 2:00 a.m. and there was mom sitting in front of the TV. Her head was nodding and drooping. I said, "Mom. What are you doing?" She said, "I'm just waiting for the news to be over." Well she would have waited a long time because she was watching . . .CNN 24 hour news channel."

In this story I was not directly making fun of myself. I was teasing about my small town upbringing and about the innocent and funny mistake my mom pulled when she came to visit.

Don't tease yourself about any subject that has a direct tie to your credibility, because your credibility is why they are paying you to speak to them. For instance, if you were a nuclear control room technician, you would not want to joke about the time you pushed the wrong button. On the other hand, if you got fired from your job as a nuclear control room technician for almost pushing the wrong button, then this fact might be a good topic for humor. It could turn into a great topic if you now own a landscaping company or are in some other non-threatening business.

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Signs
The use of signs with funny sayings can be used n your presentation. I don't know about you, but I come across funny signs all the time. I usually jot down what it says on a piece of paper, or if I have my camera with me, take a picture of the sign for later use.

A professional public speaker who is a friend of mine, John Jay Daly, does a really funny slide presentation called 'The Wacky, Wonderful World of Washington.' Many of the slides are of funny signs that he has seen around Washington, D.C.

A funny sign I once saw said, 'In case of nuclear attack, the ban on school prayer will be lifted.'  Another funny sign I saw was on a country road in the middle of nowhere. It said "absolutely nothing, next 22 miles". A sign in front of a restaurant/gas station said "Eat here and get gas".

Another slide has a brass plaque on the front of a large building that says, 'All Deliveries Go to Rear of Building.' The next slide is the brass plaque on the back of the same building that says, 'No Deliveries.'

This book on public speaking will teach you how to incorporate lots of fun with signs. Two ways you can do this is to describe them verbally or actually show them by projecting them on screen like the signs my friend uses in his slide presentation. Another way is to have the sign or signs with you and hold them up.

I just attended a Meeting Planners International function where the presenter brought his own applause sign. Everyone applauded on cue and had a great laugh because of it. You might want to add that to your public speaking skills tool kit for occasional use.

Photography Tip: When taking pictures or slides of funny signs, always fill the photographic frame up completely with the sign. The impact of the sign is much greater when you do this.

Here are some of my favorite signs.

At a hospital in Prince Georges County, Maryland:

Hospital Policy is to refuse service to hospital patients. (This was posted at the snack bar.)

Funny tombstone inscription:
As I am now, you soon shall be. Prepare for death and follow me.
Scribbled below: To follow you I'm not content. Until I know which way you went.

Another tombstone: It's so soon, I'm done for, I wonder what I was begun for!

On church marquee: Honey I Shrunk the Sermon

On door of small restaurant: Out to lunch

Sign in front of bankrupt store: We Undersold Everybody.

These English language signs were seen outside the United States:

Advertisement for a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extracted by latest methodists.

Somewhere in an elevator: Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.

1936 French sign: Don't kill your wife with work, let electricity do it.

In a Bangkok drycleaner's window: Drop your trousers here for best results.

Please leave your values at the front desk. (France)

You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid. (Japan)

Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose. (Switzerland)

I saw this sign on a display in a shoe store:

All our spring colors are now in. (All shoes on the rack were white.)

Keep your eye out for funny signs so that you can tell your audiences about them, or even show them.

Here's my favorite sign of all time from a hotel in Acapulco, Mexico:

The manager has personally passed all water served here.

You will learn how to  incorporate humor to connect with your audience by reading my book on public speaking.